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Up until this week I had everything figured out with the launch of this blog. I knew how I wanted it to look, what stories I wanted to share, everything was falling into place. Monday was a full day of distractions and I could have allowed it to trickled down into my entire week. I’ve grown wiser in identifying triggers. But, no matter how familiar I get with my triggers, not all battles are won easily. This week, I felt everything had meaning and purpose. It was as if I were intentionally being put to the test to ensure I was truly ready to embark on this journey.
Monday and Tuesday were my most challenging days. I found myself speaking doubt and fear, instead of trust and willingness into and was comfortable there. My mind has grown so accustomed to hearing these type of thoughts, it fully supported my backout plan. I started to believe the timing was not right and my problems weren’t big enough to share with the world. It took everything in me and a tremendous push of support from my family and friends to remind me of my purpose. I decided to try meditation sequences to help yield positive thoughts and energy. Throughout the day, I committed myself to any type of exercise or self care treatment as a reminder that my purpose was bigger than me. I got through Monday peacefully.
By Tuesday, I was on a complete emotional breakdown and needed to seek clarity. I took a walk to the cemetery to visit my Mother. The cemetery used to be my comfort place. It was the place I would seek permission and acceptance. Yup, even in the her passing, I still sought for her approval on my life. In hindsight, I know that my Mother was beyond proud of me. But, I was fucked up, and I’m still am a work in progress. As I walked to the cemetery, which is about a block from my house, I cried the entire way to her plot. I was careful with the words I chose because this was my opportunity to change my narrative. I was clearly being triggered by the amount of stress that comes with telling the world, I am not well. I could proceed as usual and begin to explain myself about why I’m tellin’ all my business on a blog. Followed by an easy cop-out, by finding a way to feel comfortable with it and not be as transparent, aka writing what would be acceptable and well received. Check please!
After 20 minutes of the ugly cry face, I found myself in front of my Mother’s headstone. By now, my tears were all dried out. I gave a shy hello to my Mother and began to clean up. I removed the old flowers and went to pour fresh water into the flower pot. When I got back from the fountain, I realized I didn’t have the proper supplies to shine the headstone. The feeling of disappointment consumed me immediately. I knew in that moment if I chose to believe I had failed my Mother by not being prepared, I would never be released from this bondage.
This was my first experience with truly understanding the value of a moments decision. The weight I’ve carried had burdened me enough. I was tired and really didn’t have any more energy. Yet, I’d grown so accustomed to self destruction, I was no longer masking it from myself. It was clear to me I was afraid of healing because I didn’t know what it felt like and being in a depressive state was almost normal. It was in this moment I had the chance to change that and I was finally convinced I had nothing else to lose. I’ve come so far from where I was two years ago. I spent years being unwilling to identify myself as my own problem. I was afraid of taking ownership and I didn’t trust myself enough to live my life, to my standards. I took the napkin from my pocket that I used for my tears and began to wipe down the headstone. When I finished, I stood up and set myself free. On Tuesday, I forgave myself.
Wednesday, I rested.
I spent the rest of the week realizing the true beauty of this blog. Shae Chronicles is series within the blog that personalizes my experiences with the same triggers from this week. It allows you to see my growth in response to setting boundaries and allowing moments of truth. The decisions I make our mine and it’s up to me to move in my decisions confidently and the willingness to constantly evolve.
I encourage all of you that are following me on this journey to allow yourself the chance at change. To take control of every moment and use it as your key to breakthrough. It’s important that we embrace change as the most natural state to be in. It is when we are content we should be fearful of standing still and not moving.