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During meditation today, I was reminded of a time when I was in the 11th grade. I’d written a story that I now recognized as my beginning and end. In fact, the story was so good my teacher recognized it as award worthy. It was a dark and gruesome; yet, beautiful and poetic cry for help. In the story, I had described myself walking into a room where a murder had been committed. I recall a bed, with white sheets, covered in blood. The crime was one of passion and rage and witnessing the scene had caused me to go mute. I could only describe it through my written words. I never thought about this time before today because I didn’t think this memory was of significance. Ironically, when I thought about it more, I realized it’s the same story I’m writing today. Another cry for help.
When I decided to follow through with this blog, I understood I could not be successful without being fully transparent. I make it a point to hold myself accountable to it. I meditate to help keep myself aligned with my spirit. Everything I write about, comes from my most vulnerable place. The memory of this story being placed on my heart is significant. Then, I saw it as an easy A, I truly love to write. Now, I realize that murder scene was my way of expressing how I felt at the time. I had never witnessed a murder; the murder was my way of emphasizing the betrayal I felt from witnessing my Mother in such a compromising position. I was in pain and writing is my safe place. At that time, that story was my release.
Today, I understand what needs to be done. This blog is saving me. Not one day has passed, since I’ve launched, that I haven’t battled with intense fear and anxiety. I’ve had to create routines so that I don’t find myself drowning in both. If I’d have allowed either one to penetrated my body, I was unable to write a single word. My mind drew blanks and my fingers wouldn’t move. My body now requires a changed reaction from me. It is mandatory that I deal with these emotions in preparation for the next phase in my life. I walked in on a vulnerable situation for both my Mother and I. I was too young and naive to realize my Mother and Father were no longer a pair and her burdens weighed heavy on her. I’m sure most of us can relate to being a child and being told to stay in a child’s place.
I found so much healing in writing through this. I realize more each day all it takes is for me to embrace myself and allow my light to shine. Everything else will fall into place. I want the world to know me for who I am; these words are me. I titled this post, “Bricks Into Glass”. I no longer want to be physically seen; I want you to see me.
I am so proud of you. It takes strength to share your journey. Keep being strong!!
This warms my heart so much! Very happy for you…praying for your breakthrough!!
You are going to save lives with your testimony. I’m so proud of you!!!