It’s taken a few weeks for me to articulate this post. As you all know, I will only post words that are intentional. If it doesn’t feel right, I’m not posting it. I even got to the point where I accused myself of procrastination. As if, I was intentionally avoiding posting. Let me tell you. If I know anything by now, it’s to trust myself. Why I choose to go so hard, I have no clue. But, I really need to chill. My timing is everything.
So far, September, has been hectic but amazing. I became a Kindergarten Teacher to Carter, I started taking an online class for Digital Marketing, created a Men’s campaign for Hood Intentions, kick started an accessory line, maintained my Mom duties and lived my life. I have a lot going on and AS I SHOULD. I am seriously over here working on myself, which gets me to the reason this post took so long. This month has been a complete awakening for me. I was no longer reverting back to past behaviors when triggered and was able to refocus that energy in more positive ways. My biggest trigger is abandonment. I feared being left alone and being forced to live my life through my own eyes. I feared being careless. I didn’t trust myself.
My Mother was my life advisor. She may not have known it but she made most of my major life decisions. I always took her word for it. Don’t get me wrong, when it was necessary, I made some decisions on my own. But, even then, I would get my Mother’s weigh in. When my Mother died, my Son’s Godmother was there for me. She became the stitches, that closed the open wound on my heart. I attached myself to her quickly and she has been my comfort ever since. At the beginning of September, she made the decision to move out of State by the end of the month. She had previously shared her thoughts on it and I knew it was a difficult decision for her to make. I also knew it would be a difficult decision for me to accept. Her leaving, could trigger me. I was ready to change the narrative this time. Me’Shon held me together when I needed someone the most. She, was the stitches that are now dissolved and its time I’m confident in standing alone.
She is a prominent person in my life and will always be. Her leaving to move forward in hers does not have to be interpreted as abandonment. She will always be a part of my journey as she is a part of my heart strings. The best thing we could do for each other is to embrace the change and the growth. During my self cleansing, I’ve been committed to meditation and intentional thoughts. It’s important that I’m paying attention to my behaviors and realize when my energy is shifting, it’s a time to start evaluating what’s going on in my present life. Her leaving was causing me self doubt that elevated to anxiety. If it weren’t for this journey, I wouldn’t have caught on and realized I was already triggered.
I did my best to stay busy. I committed myself to providing Carter the best Kindergarten education. When I found myself getting antsy about it, I decided to include walks in our morning routine to help clear my mind. There were a few times I started to over consume on junk – another one of my trained behaviors. I would catch myself and start to drink more water to feel full. I allowed myself time to be alone and not see it as lonely or shutting down. It was me time. I went out, met some amazing people and even got a lap dance, on a cliff looking out over the ocean. I lived my life confidently. I felt free. I was free and I’d abandoned the doubt, anxiety and fear.
Today, I feel light. I feel loved and I feel beautiful. The love I have for myself is pushing me to release my creativity and confidence with no worry. I trust myself. I speak my wants and needs outloud and God continues to heal my past pains to allow me to obtain them. I’m great because I choose to be. This is the most amazing place I’ve ever been thus far in life. I will never look back on feeling alone but will look forward to continuously learning to love Denise.