Love has always been a challenging subject for me. Hell, if I’m being honest, I really don’t want to discuss it. But, it’s very much necessary that I address my trauma around relationships and love. I’ve learn to accept things I can no longer change and I continue to grow from my experiences. But, I’m a grown woman and it’s time to hold my own ass accountable. I can’t just accept the experience and not let go of the pain. It’s time to move on. Not only do I find this mindset elevating, it’s sexy. I feel rejuvenated. I’m liberated as fuck. I understand my strong suites and my weaknesses. I don’t use my insecurities as defense mechanisms to avoid internal issues. I deal with it head on because I’m a work in progress and relationships take work. Hince, my love life being at the top of the list. I want to deal with this shit so that I can encompass real love for myself and with somene else.
I’ve been single for almost two years now. My divorce was recently finalized and I have a laundry list of “get my life together” things to do. My self care journey is thriving and I’m ready to embrace the world as my humble self. It’s an exciting time in my life. But, Honey! When I tell you my dating skills are in dying need of some rebranding… I must get this together soon. Dating makes me nervous! I’m triggered easily when my emotions are involved. Plus, I’m the person that will use dating as an avoidance. If my life is getting tough, I’d consume myself in a relationship. Being in a domesticated state was comfortable for me. I could handle the weight of someone else’s trauma instead of my own. Doesn’t that sound crazy? Yes, I know! This is what I now know to be my dangerous territory and this time around I’m not dancing around issues. Communication is key.
I’m learning to understand so much about myself, which is important in the dating game. I cannot possibly describe the man of my dreams without knowing who the hell is laying down composing them. So much has changed for me since I’ve freed myself from interpreting the national anthem for my own. I’m creating my own lyrics and dancing to a beat only I can hear. Call me crazy, but, I have to live by my own rules and not what society has embedded in the air. Relationships are complicated. People are complicated. There has to be some sort of compassion and understanding amongst individuals as we all have our own experiences. How are we to want to receive love but aren’t willing to give another human the same compassion we all want to be treated with? Now, don’t get me wrong. Some people just ain’t it and that’s when your self love provides you grace to move on respectfully.
Therapy has been amazing to me. It has taught me to identify these things about myself and change my narrative. I’m a woman who desires masculine energy and that’s okay, as long as it’s not distracting me from my life’s purpose. My past relationships were tough to say the least. I also know I’ve dated men that weren’t mentally or emotionally available to love anyone, not even themselves. I see now, this was my own personal trauma repeating itself. When my parents separated, I was so angry at my Mom, I took on the responsibility of picking my Father back up. He was already a struggling drug addict and the separation didn’t provide motivation to step on the brakes. Instead, he put the pedal to the metal and decided to embrace the comfort of drugs and I was there for him every step of the way. I was also a 10 year old girl, realizing for the first time my Father was addicted to drugs and had been so for most of my life. My Mom had moved on and I was still trying to understand what happened to our family. My Mom became the villain and my Father became the damsel that provided me a since of heroism for staying in his corner.
They say you grow up to date men similar to your Father. I stan to agree. Although, none of my partners had drug addictions, they all faced an addiction that I wanted to heal them from. It was a burden I didn’t realized I carried until I sought therapy. I can tell you since starting my self care journey, my confidence is attracting a different breed of prospects. I’m not sure I’m even ready. But, it is time to release the need to change someone and provide compassion to the partner who seeks change. I can no longer seek to find healing in someone else’s pain. I can only heal by embracing my own. Let the rebranding begin…
I’ve decided to start a podcast! I think it’s important I’m able to share this journey on a more intimate scale. I speak to many different women and men from several different backgrounds throughout the week. We are all so terrified of dating. I will be discussing some of my most intimate details of my personal journey as well as some close friends of mine. Together, we will navigate through healing, understanding ourselves and what we bring to the relationships in our lives. I’ll be posting more details about the podcast soon. For now, it’s my kid free weekend and you may not know this about me yet but kid free weekends are for Shae. Shae likes to play! Stay tuned.