Operating In My Disfunction

Before social media, writing was my escape from reality. I’ve always wanted to pursue writing but would struggle with writing fiction. I was a truth teller on paper and lived a complete lie in reality. When I first started blogging, I wanted to release everything I kept inside. I wanted to free myself from the secrets I’d held onto and blogging was my opportunity to come out of hiding. The name Shae Chronicles, which makes me cringe now, was a clear indicator of where I was mentally and spiritually when launching my first blog. Shae was an alter ego I hid behind during my rebellious teenage phase. Thinking about it now, it was a mere glimpse of Gods presence in my life. I wasn’t just sharing my story. I was sharing our story.

Shae Chronicles gave context to a portrait taken with a broken lens. I opened my doors and allowed the ugly scares to resurface before the beauty within could be seen. Often times we hold on to the pain as a reminder of where we have come from. The issue with that is, what if you haven’t gone anywhere? I held onto a lot and sharing my pain only justified my reasons for the way I lived my life. I wasn’t truly releasing, I was revealing. I gave an entire show for almost a year and the only gain at the time was acceptance.

As I shared these stories I connected with a community of people who shared the same pain. I was so caught up in the attention from my blog, I didn’t recognize the connections I built were induced by trauma. What initially started out as a journey of healing became another avenue of pain. While my community connected to my pain, I connected to their subscribes, likes, comments and shares. Here I was thinking I was evolving by revealing myself, when really I was capturing a picture that would never get framed. The only thing I had evolved from was my method of validation. It’s amazing how easy we can get caught up in ourselves and forget about ourselves.

I decided to take a break from the blog when I found myself with writers block. For weeks, I couldn’t write and that’s when it hit me. I was no longer writing with a purpose, I was writing for a fix. A dose of validity and a line of acceptance. My drug of choice. All the pain I’d written about didn’t actually free me, I’d become my own dealer. If I couldn’t write anything worthy of a like, it wasn’t worth writing. I felt strung out without my community embracing me. The less I wrote the more I lost the audience. My insecurities of abandonment, self doubt and fear craved love and affection. A love I didn’t know how to produce on my own. Until one day, I decided to read my own stories. It was within my own words I found the courage to change. The gift God had blessed me with was the same gift that saved me.

The relaunch of my blog, The Reset, is the beginning to my awakening. I’m no longer operating in trauma. I’m holding myself accountable to change the things that have been embedded in me for as long as I can remember. It hasn’t been easy to recognize my toxic behaviors. Who wants to point the finger at themselves? For years I had ran from myself and God forced me to stop running. It was time for me to face Denise and stop living behind Shae. It was not easy for me to embrace change. I had to make the decision to trust God more than myself. Faith is simple, yet we make our lives difficult by taking on our own burdens that God has already promised to hold. The Reset begins Feb 2022.

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