Old voice notes

This morning when I woke up, I felt different. When my alarm went off at 6:15 my normal reaction would be to get up immediately. But for some reason my mind activated a different response. I had left my blinds slightly opened and the window cracked enough to fill my room with a fresh morning dew. The sun was piercing through my curtains and a ray of sunshine was softly hitting my face. Typically, I’m blinded by the sun but today I felt it’s spotlight welcoming. As I lay in my bed, I don’t give myself time to overthink the moment, I simply took it in. My eyes remained closed and I felt myself falling back into a deep sleep. I didn’t want to let go of such a peaceful moment. So, I allowed my body and mind to connect to it and I released myself. When I opened my eyes again I had a slight moment of panic. I grabbed my phone to check the time, 7:30. For a quick second I started to freak out from being off schedule but each time I attempted to control the moment, the moment pulled me back in.

I took a deep breath and looked towards one of the openings in my blinds. It was so beautiful outside. The house is a different type of quiet when the kids are gone. As I laid there in silence, I looked around my room and felt comfort. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been in such a space or if I’d ever been. Across from my bed is a white dresser. On top of the dresser is the very first alter I created. Since I had no spare room for a “prayer closet” I’d built an alter in my room and bathroom to commune with God in my private time. The alter in my room is pink and gold. I filled it with candles, a himalayan sea salt lamp, incense, my Mom’s bibles and photos of the people closest to me. At the very back of my alter, there’s a picture of the word faith. My brothers and I had bought it for my Mom and I kept it after she passed away. I never paid much attention to it but today it was calling to me. I grabbed my bible.

I read my bible daily and some days I ask God to guide me to a scripture. Today, I was directed to 1 Corinthians 13:4. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. God has a way of showing his presence in my life by reminding me he’s never too far away. Before my awakening, I never recognized it. Back then, my relationship with God only came through circumstance. I thought God was on time when I needed him. I now understand he is in this with me, every step of the way. The words of 1 Corinthians 13 were confirmation.

I’ve come a long way from the past two years, yet I’m always finding more room to grow. Two years ago I was still a 9 year old girl trying to operate as a 35 year old woman. There were so many layers to me I’d complete lost my own identity. I’m still pealing back the layers but I’m feeling closer to myself more and more each day and today’s word was showing me something new about myself. I’m still learning how to love me.

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